Frederick and the Horse Drawn Computer

Frederick was special, though he didn’t know it.  He just knew that a lot of the time he got to use his computer, and he really enjoyed it.  While most of his family and friends spent their idle time with extremely interesting activities like flinging dung at walls and searching desperately for nits to consume, Frederick was busy typing.  But his constant use of his computer was not what made Frederick special.  Frederick was a monkey.  This is also not what made him special, as the world has quite a few of them.  Nor was the combination of Frederick’s undeniable status as a monkey and his computer use.  Millions of monkeys use computers on a regular basis.  (See any forum anywhere on the Internet for proof.)

No, what made Frederick special was that he was living, breathing, and (more importantly) typing proof of a well-known adage.  It has long been posited that one million monkeys sitting in front of one million computers would eventually churn out the works of Shakespeare.  Frederick was that magical millionth monkey.  From the first moment he sat down at the keyboard, Frederick took to it like a veteran author.  On his first day he was able to reproduce Hamlet.  His handlers were quite surprised when they ran his files through their Primate Shakespearean Filter.  Initially, the file was a near hit for a complete copy of Hamlet, with only one slight error in the text.  That was quickly remedied when it was noted that the human who entered the files had input a typographical error in the filter.  From that point forward, Frederick was continually churning out multiple pages of Shakespeare’s works each day.

Like all good and true oddities, a monkey typing Shakespeare wasn’t enough of a spectacle to sell to a talent agent, so it was decided to add to the wonder by having Frederick use a slightly different kind of computer.  It was decided that Frederick would put on a traveling show using a horse-drawn computer.  Normally, a horse-drawn computer would mean a computer on a wagon pulled by a horse.  Again, the talent agency knew this would never be enough to sell out a venue, and they happened to have contacts with a horse who was in the business of designing computers.  A niche art company had begun turning the horse’s designs into actual computers.  Thus the horse-drawn computer and Frederick became the hottest traveling show around.

Eventually, it was discovered that Frederick was not really typing all the material that was coming up in the computer.  Late one night, one of Frederick’s handlers had forgotten his monocle (as all traveling spectacle show animal handlers are wont to wear), and returned to Frederick’s trailer to retrieve it.  He quickly noted that Frederick had been using his computer time to work on creating a revolutionary Internet browser.  At night he would quickly use a speech to text translator to dictate the few pages of Shakespearean work necessary to get his handlers to let him continue to use the computer.  The handler initially had the same thought any rational person would have (Holy crap, a talking monkey!)  But soon enough he realized what he had to do.  Frederick was immediately fired for fraud.  He tried to find work as a traveling show (Frederick the talking monkey Live on Stage!) but he had little credibility once his previous fakery was discovered in a routine background check.  Eventually, he started looking for other work.  He tried very hard to find a new job as a programmer, but had very little luck.  The world had enough code monkeys.

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