Teleportation

Teleportation was a rather easy nut to crack.  Once it was recognized that matter simply needed to instantly leave one location and switch to another, and that a power source capable of the same feat was also necessary, the question answered itself.  The Electronic Give A Damn Simultaneous transporter, or EGADS, was created out of this realization.

Harnessing the power to immediately switch from caring extremely deeply about one topic one instant to caring just as deeply about another topic (ignoring the previous topic altogether) was a bit baffling initially.  It took some time to realize that to maintain continuity, it was necessary to use two containers.  One was the “Give A Damn” container, which held the power from the cause so cared for currently.  Energy from all current pet projects, fashionable aide causes, etc. was harnessed in this container.  This powered the initial side, or “sender” for the teleportation system.

Once inside the teleportation system, each individual had to be stored for an immeasurably short period of time.  This was achieved by the “Don’t Give A Damn” container, which was powered by the intense energy of the “Give A Damn” power leaving its current issue.

Powering the second half, or “receiver” end of the system was a bit harder.  It was necessary to preemptively acknowledge the next cause.  This was attempted many times by searching for the most immediate need, but this method was often very incorrect.  Public concern nearly always followed a completely different pathway.  Eventually, it was discovered that using the processing power of the reinitialized cryogenically frozen brains of 20th and 21st century Hollywood stars created an accurate prediction of the next event to follow, and this methodology was used to trap the energy as soon as it passed to the upcoming cause.  This was of course used to power the “Give A Damn” receiver, more commonly referred to as the “Take A Damn.”

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